Thursday, July 31, 2008

you're still a soldier in your mind, though there's nothing on the line

Wow, I am a lazy-ass blog updater. Here are some fun facts for you:

1. This special on the Kennedys that is on the History Channel right now is really depressing, but it also makes me laugh because I think of:
a. The time Kelly G-Funk said, "Why is your chin so big? Are you secretly a Kennedy?"
b. Diana referring to JFK as "White Obama."
c. Schultz calling Richard Nixon "Skeletor."

2. I'm pretty sure this season of Project Runway has the weirdest designers ever, but I love it. Except for Stella. She and I are still enemies.

3. Sometimes I drop food on myself and think it is freckles.

4. "Lolli Lolli (Pop That Body)" by Three Six Mafia is maybe the most ridiculous song ever recorded, and I secretly love it. Not as much as I secretly love Kanye West, but there's a disturbing amount of affection going on here.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Thursday, July 17, 2008

if you meet me at the border, i got visas in my name

I have a disease called Project Runway, and I'm going to discuss solely my thoughts on last night's episode for the entirety of this entry. And, oh, don't worry-- I have many. Go here to look at pretty, pretty pictures of the clothes I'm talking about, because I'm too lazy to embed pictures in here myself.

I was generally impressed with the things people made last night, which does not usually happen, because I'm judgmental about these things. It was a pleasant surprise, though. In slideshow order, here are my thoughts:

1. I really liked Kenley's dress, and thought the dodgeball top was awesome. Also, Kenley is adorable and is totally this season's Kit Pistol. Which is fine, because I really loved Kit Pistol.

2. Terri's portfolio (and way of dressing herself) was very iffy and even more so, very 90s, but the top made of mop-heads turned out nicer than I was visualizing it. That said, that skirt took one minute and you know it.

3. Suede's ugly blue tablecloth dress was my least favorite. Also my least favorite? Suede's personality. Go home, Suede. You are ridiculous, and not in an entertaining way like other contestants.

4. Emily's dress was very interesting and creative, and she seems pretty cool. Definite snaps for Emily from me.

5. Although I'm giving even bigger snaps to Leanne. Not just for her dress, which was cute, but for her own wardrobe and that adorable tan cropped coat she was wearing at the beginning of the episode. And she has the best portfolio so, based on the minimally sufficient first impression we're given of everyone in the first episode, she's my favorite. Her model is my favorite, too, coincidentally.

6. Jennifer's dress was very cute. Jennifer is Pam from The Office, particularly first-season Pam.

7. Jerrell's dress was surprisingly good, considering that he dresses himself like a bag lady. Not my taste, but well made, and not as questionable as his personal taste would indicate.

8. Keith's dress was just okay. Average beyond all reason.

9. Wesley's dress was kind of my favorite. It wasn't spectacularly innovative, but it was awesome nonetheless. Wesley is my favorite male contestant by far, even with his formal shorts.

Later thought: You know why I think I like Wesley so much? Wesley is male Laura Bennett. And therefore, Wesley is solidly awesome and I will like every garment he makes, and I will like his formal man-shorts just like I liked that Laura wore equestrian wear that one time, even though it's unreasonable and inconsistent with my desire to mock everyone.

10. I liked the skirt of Joe's outfit but was indifferent toward the top. I'm sure it's well-constructed but, damn, that pattern is ugly.

11. Korto! Her dress was awesome and dramatic and cool. And I want her hair. It amazes me.

12. Daniel's plastic cup dress was awesome. I must confess, I did not have faith that he would finish it. But it was amazing and innovative and sweet.

13. I have no idea what the fuck Blayne designed. Blayne is this year's "entertaining tool." Everything that came out of his mouth made me laugh at him. He's totally and completely ridiculous and I love him for it.

14. Jerry's presentation and construction were poor, and his concept wasn't interesting at all. Do I think he should have gone home? No. Am I overly pissed off that he went home? No. I think there were worse things out there, but this wasn't really worth keeping, the more I think about it. You'll hear a lot about the person who should have gone home in item #16.

15. Kelli's skirt was maybe the most awesome thing made, and I liked the studded belt-thing and thought the top should have been more... covered. The fact that she made the lacings on the back out of notebook spirals (which you sadly can't see in the picture), however, is what makes me agree that she should have won the challenge. I think she is a non-cracked-out Amy Winehouse.

16. Stella... What the fuck is wrong with Stella? She was a source of enormous frustration to me throughout the entire episode, as everyone who watched it with me will tell you, since I kept shouting things like, "put down your crack pipe, quit bitching, and make something." I expect much more from people named Stella, because that is a name which is awesome and bad-ass. I should have given up any hope when her introduction explained that she designs for pimps and whores.

It wasn't just that what she made was hideous, which it was. It was that she picked a horrible material, then spent almost all of work time complaining about her own personal decisions and only spent about fourteen seconds making said hideous garment. However, she didn't just complain about her choice of garbage bags, she complained using words like "trash" and "garbage" in an unironic manner. Oh my God. Go home, Stella. Go home.

Non-designer-y things I enjoyed about this episode:

1. Tim Gunn's look of disgust at Blayne's garment. (And Tim Gunn in general, but that is a given.)

2. Austin Scarlett! The most ridiculous man to walk God's green earth! I love him so much.

3. The challenge. Way to bring back one of your more kick-ass challenges, Project Runway. Good call.

Monday, July 14, 2008

i hope we didn't break yet, but i'm glad we broke the rules

Exciting news: The end of my trip to New York City next year coincides with the beginning of Fleet Week. That is the only cool, even remotely Sex and the City type thing that has happened in my typical Midwestern teenage life. I'm also walking the Brooklyn Bridge and seeing South Pacific and beginning to save up money to spend in excessive amounts at the MoMA store. I have mad love for museum gift shops, particularly that one, which is better than most people.

My hands are terrifying and old-woman-ish in the glow of my laptop. Damn.

Today has been a day full of exciting news, actually. My better-than-mediocre AP scores came in the mail and I (finally) received my housing information. Somehow, I was placed into my last-choice dorm, but that's all right. It's all-girls, which I'm a little iffy about because, well, if I wanted to live with 100-some other girls, I'd go to one of those sorority-intense Southern colleges and focus on nothing but pledging for the next however-many-months. But the rooms are at the larger end of the freshman dorm scale, and I have (I think) a corner room on the (I know) top floor. And I've heard good things from people who lived there in the past. And, you know, worst-case scenario, if it's totally horrific I thank God for retroactive credits once again and transfer into sophomore housing second semester. But I think it will be fine.

Elly's graduation party was an absolute blast last night, and not just because Diana and I couldn't stop laughing about the creepy old DJ (who Perko and I controlled with our minds) creepin' on Alex.

Brigid: I'm on the waitlist for my Spanish class.
Alex: Wait-- you're not taking Puerto Rican anymore?
Me: She was going to take Portuguese, Al. Not Puerto Rican.
Alex: Ohhhh yeah.

Somehow, despite that conversation, an attempt was made to explain sailing to Alex.

"There are red buoys and green buoys."
"Stop and go!"
"No. Left and right."

"How do they know when to start?"
"They fire a gun into the air."
"And then at the end, if you don't win, they shoot you!"

Sunday, July 13, 2008

a truly epic night in the lives of alex and kellie

Last night I was parentless and Alex came over to part-ay it up. And by "part-ay it up", I mean that we acted ridiculous without any chemical assistance, listened to horrible music, and cruised around DePere.

First we went so Alex could get Little Caesar's and to hit up Kwik Trip for our respectively-sized Buddies. At which point Al realized she couldn't find her brand-new credit card. It had fallen underneath her seat, but that didn't stop her from having a minor panic and saying things like, "Oh my god! Did I even HAVE a credit card or did I just imagine it?!"

That was not Alex's most exciting panic of the night, however. After watching a lot of ridiculous YouTube videos and discussing her family's horse situation, she wanted to go to Hollywood Video to rent South Park against my will. First of all, we definitely spotted a growhouse on the way home, which was greatly amusing.

Again! Not the most exciting legal event of the night! The DePere police department was out in full force, and the kindly soul who pulled me over for "failure to yield while making a left-hand turn" last summer pulled Alex over and let her off with a warning for having her lights off. After we went through the roundabout... dancing... to "Livin' la Vida Loca" at top volume. It was hilarious. We wish Diana would have been there, but Diana would have nervous-giggled her ass off, so it probably wouldn't have been beneficial.

Me: Can you imagine how pissed Tim would be if you actually got a ticket?
Alex: Um... yeah. It would be like Tourette's Guy.

I'm watching season three of Project Runway, and, dear God, is Laura Bennett kick-ass. I would want to be her if I had any artistic skill at all.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

classic moments in parenting

"You can't scream like that unless you are on fire or there is blood running from your eyeballs!"

I love it when online quizzes point out the disparity between the size of my chin/forehead and my other features... it's awesome.

Monday, July 7, 2008

my woefully inconsistent blogging habits.

I am sorry that I have been such a poor blogger lately. I am going to try and make it up by telling you stories from the past, since nothing entertaining that's fit for public consumption has occurred as of late. So today, for those of you either looking for a cynical version of nostalgia, I will talk to you about the main joy of being a first-semester senior: Taking a lot of easy classes in order to boost your GPA for all those classy East Coast institutions that factor those grades into their admissions decisions.

I just realized how much I miss good old first-semester Prayer & Spirituality class, mostly because of all the comedy Diana and I found at the expense of others. For example, Diana could not stop laughing whenever anybody talked about their "spirit", and then we each got comments on our report cards about our "beautiful spirit(s)." We regularly slept during meditation, and I confessed to everyone that I played Barbie Law and Order as a child. Which is very true, and very amusing probably because it is so unsurprising.

However, this class was not just about the constant quest for unintentional hilarity. We also discovered the thing we can accomplish the best in the shortest amount of time: Making prayer services. We would divide up the work so that Diana would find readings, and I would invent discussion questions and slap some John Mayer and Keane on a playlist. Our services were on subjects as diverse as enthusiasm and anger, although I found our original list of topic ideas in my binder when I was cleaning out the Big Black Bag today, and here were our ideas in their exact original format:

-Dude Where's My Car?*
-Diana's immortality
-elbow injuries... perhaps add arthritis and broaden it to joint problems in general
-T-Schmidt
-innocence?
-integrity. no, seriously.
-God. unless we can make that broader.
-Kellie's glue stick smells like a winery

*Why is this a suggestion? We both hated that movie beyond all scope of human reason.

Speaking of emotions that surpass human reason: The episode of The Simpsons in which Marge stars in the musical version of A Streetcar Named Desire is possibly the funniest thing to grace our green earth.

Friday, July 4, 2008

patriotism = diana and i being ridiculous

So, I made Diana listen to Falco's classic "Rock Me Amadeus" so she would understand why the "Barack Me Obamadeus" bumper sticker is hilarious, and she goes, "What is this song even about?" and I explained it was about the epic battle between Mozart and Salieri. Then I joked that I prefer Salieri because he is Italian, and Diana, knowing it was totally the wrong thing to say but just being funny, said, "Oh... so you hate Jews, then?"

I also just yelled at Diana about the fact that "America is a land of immigrant," so apparently Alex's inability to correctly use articles and pluralize is a communicable disease now.

Another patriotic event: while eating tortilla chips and spinach dip, a combination that sounds horrifying but is actually tasty-tasty, we discovered a chip that was burnt to a crisp and decided to save it for Craig and Sheebs when they come home from the driving range. So we left it on the coffee table next to the chip bag, and the damn dog, Hayley, ate it. So she is now kenneled.

Does anyone know of a good way to see the downtown fireworks without having to go downtown and interact with "the freaks who all come out of the woodwork" (my mother's wording, not my own)? There were so many things wrong with the punctuation of that sentence.

Happy Fourth of July, everybody.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

"oh my god... i AM lisa simpson."

I was going to tell you several entertaining stories and conversations that occurred during last night's celebration of Canadia Day, but... really, there is one story that tops them all, and everything else pales in comparison and will seem irredeemably unfunny once I mention that one.

So I'll just skip the dozens of others, including "Oh, I have a really good your momma joke!" and "Go back from whence you came," and only tell you that Alex thought that goldfish were a reptile. Because they have scales.

And then I'll explain that not only is Alex going to college next year, she's going to UW-Madison. It's okay if you want to cry, Perkovich almost did.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

there's got to be something better than in the middle

Maybe I'll have a real update when I can articulate thoughts that are appropriate for human consumption. And fight my addiction to laptop Mah-Jongg.

Summer is a beautiful thing. Did you know that Jon and Kate Plus Eight is on for an hour every day? I don't even care that I'm usually watching them clean their garage, because those kids are so cute. I used to think Aaden and his glasses were my favorite but now I think it might be cross-eyed Joel.

And there were agility dogs on the Today show this morning, so I'm basically dying of cuteness.

But you know what is way better than cute dogs on Today? This beast, which Blogger is not letting me turn into a link with a clever title: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhvGUnkFd0Q