Saturday, September 27, 2008

"heyyy, it's kelly clarkson!" -said to me every two minutes last night

I'm in an insane mood today, and you're getting the best of it. Just suck it up and be grateful. I keep remembering random things that happened, like, two years ago and laughing about them, so I'm just going to share them with you.

Julie, making fun of those ridiculous anti-gay marriage commercials that totally exploited child actors: "If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle!"

"You guys, shhh! I'm being the Alex Whisperer!" Possibly the greatest moment of my junior-year lunch table, the greatest table of all time.

"Jayyyyyycob! Your cat is a-tremblin' with fear!" -Diane

"My ears are so small. They are like... small cookies." -Anna

"What's 50 divided by 6?"
"... Nope, it's not."

"What does he look like?"
[More classiness from Julie.]

"How do you spell tube?"
"T... U... B... E."

"Did you guys know Harry Potter was in a porn movie with a unicorn?" -Alex's proudest moment

"She's always drinking out of a brown bottle." -written in a Mother's Day story from one of Julie's daughters

"It hurts my eyes to look at you." -Elly, with great distress, at Ben

I don't know who made this, but it made me laugh more than anything in my entire life:





And this:


Friday, September 26, 2008

important theological discussion

"I thought that part was creepy. Dolls are really creepy."
"I don't think it's creepy when a child has a doll and acts like it's real. But if an adult were to do that, well... that would be PRETTY messed-up."
"I think that would just be MORE messed-up."
"I'm really glad we've cleared up this issue of fantastic importance, you guys."

Thursday, September 25, 2008

everyone i know is more comical than i am.

Best text of my week, courtesy of Annie earlier tonight: "My mom wants to see the chihuahua movie because she 'likes dogs with accents.' Sometimes I can't handle her."

Anyway, I'm going to tell you: adults, particularly my professors and my mother, are out of control ridiculous lately. It must be a full moon or something.

Me: Mom, I figured out why my heels hurt so much! According to Wikipedia, which, as you know, is ALWAYS right, I have plantar fasciitis.
Sheebs: I have those too!
Me: I only have it in my right foot.
Sheebs: Weird-- I only have them in my left!
Me: Mom, "them?" It's not a plural noun, it just ends in 's.'
Sheebs: I'm sorry... I'm drinking wine.

Anyway, I almost never have time to make this fake record of ridiculous things because I'm employed at my college newspaper making real records of legitimately sane things. It's fun in a different way. For example, today I got to report the most adorable story in the world and my inner sixth-grader is still kind of bitter and jealous that SNC didn't have the writing marathon when I was a kid.

But this significantly diminishes my time for reporting on this blog the details of my wholly ridiculous English class, which usually just gets inappropriate/out-of-hand/horrifying and we end up talking about things like perforated condoms and doggy style and our professor gets distressed and sighs about how our class is rated R. He is way too nice to be instructing our ridiculous selves.

And I certainly haven't had time to record the events surrounding the Obama rally/French 203 clusterfuck that were the most angry-making of my entire 18.5 years.

Or the ridiculous Applebee's dinner where we turned a profit, or Megan being unable to not laugh out loud at our yoga instructor who is the largest tool ever. Or Diana and I being 80-years-old and dropping all our other beloved expletives in favor of a good, old-fashioned, "for God's sake!"

Or how I attended a really boring graduate school seminar tonight where Derek Zoolander talked about dental school but it ended in time for the stellar premiere of The Office, which made me cry with happiness, so all is well.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

gonna trade the weather for the western coast

Here is some funny stuff that happened around this time last year:

-"Monday: intestines. Thursday: poop. I hate it when my mom packs my lunches." -Alex, in a note to me

-Me, taunting Diana: Your chin looks HUGE right now!
Diana, all excited: Really?
Me: No. It basically disappeared.
Diana: Damn it!

-"Just so you know, I'm going to smile when you die." -Diana to Beloved Aunt Cheryl's cat Riley

-"I got maced here!" -Beloved Aunt Cheryl during our tour of the UW-Madison campus

-Diana: I got an awesome pair of boots this weekend.
Alex: Like snow boots or like sexy boots?

-Alex's Mom: Yeah, I accidentally parked in a driveway at Sears today and some lady yelled at me.
Anna: Was it an employee?
Alex's Mom: Nope. Just some wench in a car.

-Nancy, Alex's mom's BFF: Hey, Alex, do you get service hours for taking care of the old and infirm?
Alex's Mom: I resent that.
Anna: Oh my god... It's Kellie and Alex in 25 years.

-"I always tell her it's not scurry, but she never listens!" -Alex's Mom

-Diana: What do you think we'll do next in English?
Anna, in dead seriousness and not bitchiness: If I had to guess, I'd say were gonna read something, followed by writing something about said something. Just a guess.

-"His tongue was as big as my sock." -Kathy

-"I'm pretty sure her blood-donation symptoms are all in her head, considering that she gets all dizzy and crazy TWO DAYS AFTER THE FACT." -Diana on Alex's complex relationship with the Red Cross

-My mother: "Would it be chintzy to give two cans of tuna?"
Me: "I really don't understand you sometimes."

-"Kellie... your stepdad is wearing a mock turtleneck." -Diana, in complete awe

-"How red is my nose?"
"On a scale of 1 to Rudolph, you're like a 7."
[Diana is so nice to my pale face.]

-"You have to watch it all the way through. If you don't, you'll pause it in the middle to go kill yourself." -Diana's thoughts on It's a Wonderful Life

-"My hair is so puffy. I guess you really can't teach an old dog new tricks." -Alex, in another ridiculous note

-"Alex, are you already bitching? It's not even eight in the morning. You don't have anything to bitch about yet." -Diana

-"That was the weirdest thing I have ever seen." -Craiganator on the Notre Dame Christmas Choral concert

-[A really bizarre man walks past.]
Craiganator: Who was THAT?!
Me: I don't know.
Diana: Jean Claude van Damme.

-[My uncle Dave listens to The Carpenters Christmas Album. So we laugh at him for the entire course of the holiday season.]
Dave: Mark my words!
Brenda: God, I hate it when people say that.
Me: It's so elderly. It's like, "Oh my stars and garters."
Brenda: Yeah, or "Let's listen to The Carpenters Christmas Album!"

-Alex's logic of why she licked hummus off the floor for a dime: "Because dimes are worth TEN pennies but they are smaller."

Friday, September 5, 2008

"i have to go. i really need to blog about this."

Please read this ridiculousness before I address it in the rest of this entry.

I really, sincerely hope nobody got paid to put that together. I'm hoping it was some kind of community-outreach program to people who are in sense-of-humor/creativity rehabilitation. There are really three main thoughts I need to address here:

1. Comparing Sarah Palin to every celebrity who has glasses and brown-ish hair? Really, are you serious right now? Maybe I am just taking personal offense to these comparisons because:
A. Many people would say Tina Fey looks like my mom (and I look like my mom-- thank you, genetics.)
B. My former former vice principal thinks I look like Mary McDonnell. But he was talking about Dances with Wolves, so that's maybe just a statement about what humidity does to my hair in the summertime?
C. I am a rabid 30 Rock fan, and Liz Lemon might talk to important people while having lettuce in her hair, but she would never style it that way.

However, I could also just be offended on a basic human level by how unintelligent, unfunny, and uncreative it is.

2. More on the "fantastic creativity" front: Let's compare Barack Obama to every celebrity who is either black or has big ears. As you know, all black men look the same, apparently.

3. Even more comic genius: Let's compare Joe Biden to a bunch of old white guys (and, strangely, Val Kilmer.) Then let's compare John McCain to some even older white guys. Nobody has pointed out that those two are old, white, and male yet.

SERIOUSLY, TMZ? SERIOUSLY? And, yes, I have noticed that TMZ is responsible for the content of my last two entries-- thanks.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

another classic moment in mother-daughter communication

Tonight's phone conversation with Sheebs:
Me: Mom, did you hear? David Duchovny didn't cheat on his wife, he was just addicted to porn.
Sheebs: Yeah, and his left hand!
Me: [horrified and disgusted] MOM! That is by far the WORST joke you have EVER made!
Sheebs: I didn't make it... AOL said it first.
Me: I do not think AOL would have made that joke.
[Sheebs thinks.]
Sheebs: Oh, yeah. That may have been TMZ.