Sunday, June 22, 2008

"he looks like a muppet." "he totally does. he looks like the eagle muppet."

I don't even know if these things are funny to anyone else, but I need to have them for later:

-Alex, pointing at a mini-golf course at 2 AM: "What is that?! It looks like a magic show!"

-Another ridiculous Alex statement, when Karen (Diana's mom) used a door that Al hadn't noticed before: "Surprise door!"

-The 120ish pictures of us making ridiculous faces taken in Jim and Pam's golf cart. (How awesome is this: Karen's best friend, Pam, is married to a guy named Jim! Snaps for unintentional references to The Office.)

-In the best picture, D is looking down at her general crotch area in complete surprise and I looked at it and said, "Diana, you look so surprised. You look like you just grew a penis." Just as Pam walked onto her porch. (What chapter is that in the saga of me saying inappropriate things when I don't realize real people are around?!)

-"If you eat my food, I'll cut your arm off!" -Frank, telling me not to eat "sell by January 2007" tuna and canned pineapple.

-Because of the flooding, gravel had to be carried down to the waterfront to expand the shoreline to be at least moderately reasonable for the next year. The gravel was carried in on a small digger-type thing called a skip-loader. Because the Crystal Lake RV Resort and Campground is a highly dramatic place (and not a white-trash trailer park like Diana has been describing it for the past year), the skip-loader fell in the water. Then, because Crystal Lake is even more dramatic than that would lead you to believe, the skip-loader's shovel thing crushed Frank's foot and totally pulverized his big toe and he bled through his shoe and had to be taken to the hospital. Ridiculous.

-Frank's x-rays came back in a folder that said "RUSH! DO NOT BEND!" But Al thought it said "CRUSH!" and goes, "Yeah, way to rub it in."

-The skip-loader is also the noisiest thing in the world. Before we renamed it The Bone Crusher, it drove by the porch where Al and I were sitting. It was beeping and groaning and being a general pain in the ass, and Al just grumbles, "Goddamn free-loader."

-Frank was ridiculously doped up on Oxycodone, even moreso than usual, and during the fireworks display last night, kept doing commentary and attempting to whistle. Usually he just tries to harvest my organs, so I'm not sure if this was an upgrade or a downgrade.

-"King of the mountain!" Again, Frank, creepin' on small children.

-The Al/D/Kellie Ridiculous Vocabulary. With "ridiculous" being the #1 most abused word in said vocabulary.

-This flood expert on CNN with the most amazing and perfect Boston accent ever. No R's where they belong, but all kinds of R's at the ends of words that technically end in A. My favorite part was "Californiar."

-Diana's obscene and borderline offensive snoring and marathon ability to sleep as long as possible until the blender goes on or Al punches her in the ass.

-The Bone Crusher was running at full volume outside on Saturday morning, so Alex and I were already awake and Diana was still sleeping until Karen turned the blender on to make Big Dutch Baby, at which point Diana wakes up and says, "Dear God. I am in hell."

-Big Dutch Baby is called German pancakes by normal people, but Diana's family prefers the weird name. It's really good, and basically just eggs and flour but still delicious, and the name is fun to joke about.
Diana: We should go to bed soon.
Me: Well, yeah. Karen is making us big Dutch fetus in the morning.
(Alex laughs incredibly hard, which makes me laugh really hard because Al has a contagious laugh.)
Diana: Shut up... baby is a delicacy.

-Taking ridiculous pictures in Lodi proper at 1:40 in the morning, and Diana's constant fear that we would be arrested.

-The psychotic musical offerings on XM Radio after 1:00 in the morning. The greatest offerings being "Inside Out" by Eve6 (the "heart in a blender" song from the 90s), "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child, and something called "Boom Boom Boom."

-Laying by the pool. Or, "When Diana's inner monologue exists, it's moderately disturbing."

-The questionable tribe of pseudo-Girl Scouts running around the whole weekend. I'm not entirely sure what they were, or how I can describe them in a politically correct manner, but Al and D know what they were.

-Alex can't crawl on her knees because they are jacked up, and, unfortunately, the loft we stayed in was only about 4'6" high, and the bed had maybe 3' of space before you hit ceiling, so she tried to do this strange ass-in-the-air crawl and ended up nearly falling flat on her face.

-"I can't skip rocks, okay?!" -Diana, in a fit of jealousy that Al and I have mad skills.

-Alex's incredible and bizarre vocabulary during mini-golf. Which was really ghetto. And which I won... More things to put on my resume there.

-We all layed on the three-foot mini dock installed after the flooding and looked at the stars, which was really cool. Everyone laughed at my weird laying-down laugh. Without prior consult, Alex and I decided to mess with D by randomly and stealthily throwing pebbles into the water and making her think they were fish. She assumed that the fish were freaking out due to the obscene amount of noise from the earlier fireworks, so Alex and I kept doing it intermittently until we were laughing so hard that she realized what we were doing and got pissed and told us to cut it out because, in her words, "I hate the noise of plopping!"

I think I've done significant enough coverage of this. Al just made fun of me on Facebook Chat because I am very tired but completed this task anyway, because I hate having uncompleted objectives right before bed. Then she threatened to throw her computer onto the pavement, so she obviously has bigger issues here.

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