tied up and twisted, the way i like to be

How was this weekend even real? Honestly. I feel like it was about six hours long, with Saturday being five of them. Anyway, Saturday was so crazy that I took notes on it on a piece of paper I kept with me all day. If you could kindly not laugh at that, I would appreciate it, because note-taking? Possibly my only marketable skill as a high school student. I take fantastic notes. So you can imagine that these notes correspond to my life as well as my English notes correspond to a Gilsdorf test. Amazing correlation, and also, amazing in general. So here goes.

If Saturday was written in Cornell note form, which is tedious and unhelpful and you should really just do whatever works for you, Roman numeral I would definitely be labeled "Trip to Plover." Plover is kind of a suburb of Stevens Point, and it is not really real. My stepdad's family lives there-- I would call them my family, but this was only the third time I have ever met them-- so Sheebs, the Craiganator, and I went down to visit.

But before we arrived in Plover, we were hungry, so we went to Wendy's. I always feel uncomfortable in fast food restaurants and I don't know why. Even though I am usually over-dressed, I feel extra over-dressed there, or something. Anyway, that is NOT the point of this story. The point of this story is that Sheebs ordered Mandarin chicken salad, and that, when she had completed only about 17% of it, she discovered a hair. A hair that was definitely not her own.

Sheebs: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Me: Oh, no. Oh, no. [I begin laughing.]
Sheebs: [laughter. accompanied by crying.]
Me: [I begin crying along with her.]
Craiganator: [stoic, humiliated silence.]

So that went on for a good minute. And then this conversation took place:

Craig: That is not that gross. It could have been a finger.
Sheebs: Or a toenail.
Me: [gagging, followed by more crying.]

Anyway, that was not the end of the day's grossness. Because when we got to Plover, we met a puppy. A 120-pound, slobbery-ass puppy. And it was insane. Also, my six-year-old step-cousin farted in my mom's face. Sheebs summed up this portion of the day quite well in her assessment, "Today is a terrible day. I got molested by a dog that weighs more than I do, a 6-year-old farted in my face, and there was a hair in my salad that definitely wasn't mine."

Once I finally got home from Plover at an hour even later than the late hour I expected, I went to Diana's. Well, first I talked to Diana on the phone and she wanted me to come eat soup, but I hate soup so I ate dinner at my own casa, and then I went to Diana's. She looked the most attractive I have ever seen her: powder blue sweatpants, the infamous Celebrity Poker Showdown t-shirt, and her hair in cornrows. Four cornrows. Anyway, I am just going to list things that occurred in close to the chronological order in which they occurred.

1. Diana and I got mad at a sexist Bounty commercial and we're going to write an angry feminist letter about it. I'm amazed that Diana and I don't threaten to write angry feminist letters more often, the more I think about this. But, damn, that commercial was moronic.

2. "Man, this is a fun Saturday." -Diana, as she cleans the toaster.

3. Diana and I discussed the non-fun that is all things removal and application of wallpaper. My thoughts on wallpaper were highly articulate ("Fuck that shit") and Diana laughed forever. Also, Diana (and Alex) continuted to laugh at any combination of those two words I would say the whole night, even though we were all having very filthy mouths and you would think they would be desensitized to it by now.

4. Alex decided to come over. Diana and I decided to scare Alex as she came into the house by jumping out from behind furniture. Allegedly, I said that I hoped we could make Alex crap her pants, and, honestly, I think we were close. The look on Alex's face was priceless.

5. We spent the rest of the night talking in the kitchen.
First hilarious Alex comment: "How's Madge?"
Me: "Who is Madge?"
Alex: "Your dad's girlfriend!"
Me: "... My dad's girlfriend is named Jean."
(Also, is Madge even something people are actually named?!)

6. The saga of trying to separate the parts of the blender so it could be washed.
Alex: "I don't think I can get them apart."
Diana: "Well, this smells bad. So it needs to be washed."
Also, a series of highly entertaining Alex faces, and noises, and indecisions.

7. Diana attempted to make cornbread at 11:30 with the minimal ingredients present in the house. It ended up looking like birdseed. What came out of that oven had absolutely nothing in common with cornbread. In the process of this, Diana and I poured an almost-full half-gallon of milk down the drain because it had the obviously-spoiled smell. Alex, angry that there is none of her favorite beverage in the house: "You don't know if it's spoiled for sure until you taste it. If you taste it, and it tastes like broccoli, then you know it's spoiled." Awesome, I am so glad to hear that.

8. In more milk news, Alex thought a can of sweetened milk was pineapple.

9. Our only remotely academic discussion was about necrophilia. Yeah, I know.
Alex: "I don't get it."
Diana: "Well, I don't either, since it's not like I've been to the graveyard lately for my latest hookup."

10. Our least academic discussion: animal humping.
Alex: "Milo [Diana's cat] is definitely gay."
Me: "Um, he is definitely neutered and therefore asexual. He has no desire to copulate."
Diana: "That's not true. I've definitely seen him mount Alice [Diana's ancient dog.]"
[Five minutes later:]
Diana: "One time, Harley [Diana's puppy] mounted Brian [Diana's delinquent brother]. I laughed really hard and he punched me in the stomach."

11. After the failure of the cornbread, Alex ordered a pizza. With every kind of meat imaginable. Plus extra bacon. So weird.

12. Diana kept thinking Alex and I were talking about public schools when we weren't because we made fun of her one time for not knowing where the Wright brothers made their first flight.
Alex: "Those kids are SO stupid."
Me, in a whisper: "That's because their parents are probably first cousins."
Diana: "I HEARD THAT."
Alex: "We weren't talking about public schools."

Yep, these are the freaks with whom I really enjoy my voluntary association.